If we want to look at the ways technology has complicated our lives, it’s impact on motherhood would be a great place to begin. The Internet has become the new battleground of the longstanding Mommy Wars. And cyberbullying behavior between moms is a very real and serious issue today.

As Tracy Beckerman wrote in a previous Dot Complicated article, there are many positive aspects of the Internet era for parents. I am quite sure it saved my sanity during my daughter’s first few years. Without the friends I made online and the support I found, motherhood would have been far more difficult and daunting.

But it wasn’t long after I got online that I was introduced to the dark side. The ease of reaching out to others is not always used for good. In fact, moms are attacking other moms at alarming rates. In blog posts and comments. Through social media. And via message boards, one of the most toxic online environments for women.

Any mom who has spent time online has likely participated in or witnessed conflict over parenting decisions. An online poll conducted late last year through The Mom Pledge revealed the top issues parents bicker about online:

Stay Home vs. Work 35%

Feeding 25%

Vaccinations 9%

Birth Options 7.5%

Circumcision 7.5%

Other 6%

Sleeping 5%

Discipline 5%

Most moms aren’t looking to fight over their parenting choices. They simply want to connect. Commiserate. Garner advice from those who have been there or are currently in the same place in their motherhood journey.

But it seems any issue has the potential to cause conflict. And things can get ugly very quickly. The extent to which some women will go to hurt and humiliate other moms is astounding.

Dr. Erika Holiday, co-author of the book Mean Girls, Meaner Women: Understanding Why Women Backstab, Betray and Trash-Talk Each Other and How to Heal, says women are wired for conflict. There are biological, evolutionary and psychosocial reasons for that.

Moreover, we are bombarded with examples of negative female relationships today. Add to that the ability to be anonymous, the lack of face-to-face contact and an overall culture of incivility in our society, it is not hard to see how things get so out of control.

While the conversation between moms has broadened, I daresay little has been gained. Conflict between moms does not often come to a positive conclusion. Agreement is rarely reached. The different “sides” on issues do not work to try to understand one another. They simply spew hate. Vitriol. Condemnation.

Somewhere along the way, we have lost the ability to engage in true civil discourse. Instead of discussing important issues, we scream at one another. And when everyone is shouting, no one can truly listen.

But the conflict that can erupt between moms doesn’t have to negatively impact your online experience. Here are some tips to help you get the most from your virtual connections:

• Take control. You can’t control the behavior of others. But you don’t have to let them bring your down. If you find there are specific people or sites that are causing you stress, disengage.

• Be confident. There is no one better suited to be your child’s mother than you. A stranger on the Internet who has a different opinion does not make you wrong, or bad. Focus on doing what’s best for your family.

• Avoid absolutes. Many of the online fights between moms are the result of an attitude that there is only one “right” way to parent. Be open-minded, and respectful of other opinions and experiences.

• Lead by example. It all comes down to the Golden Rule we were taught as children. Treat others as you want to be treated. Refuse to be sucked down into the muck.

• Take The Pledge. The Mom Pledge is a set of principles you commit to following in all your online activities. Our community is a supportive, positive one, and we give you the tools you need to avoid conflict and make meaningful connections.

The Internet offers women an unprecedented opportunity to connect. What we should be doing is celebrating the joys together and supporting one another through the challenges.

We can create that kind of environment, together!

Written by Elizabeth Flora Ross

Elizabeth Flora Ross is a freelance writer living in Florida with her husband and young daughter. She writes about her successes and struggles as a writer and a mom on her personal blog, The Writer Revived. She is the creator of The Mom Pledge, an anti cyber bullying campaign aimed at moms.

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