People once found out about a family member or friend’s passing in the newspaper or through a phone call, but today social media is a common way to spread such personal, tragic news. On the one hand, this can be a good thing: When somebody dies, social media facilitates a shared grieving; friends from all over the world can come together through a loved one’s memorial page. But there’s a thin line between being sympathetic and being offensive when dealing with death online. After all, are we mourning properly when we simply change our status or profile picture?

Keep these things in mind when posting online about someone’s death.

Don’t discuss the details online. It’s OK to use social media to share information about the wake or funeral, but you should never openly talk about how somebody died. That information should be kept private out of respect for the deceased and his or her family. What’s more, it’s not your news to distribute.

Follow the mourning family’s lead regarding Facebook. When Facebook memorializes a page, current friends of the deceased are still able to leave comments and post pictures. This is a nice way to say goodbye, but you should hold off on doing so until family members post first. The next of kin get to decide how best to express their grief.

Don’t use social media to offer condolences. A wall post is not the same thing as a sympathy card, and it’s definitely not a substitution for personally reaching out. Friends and family will likely not be checking social media, so there’s no guarantee they’ll get your message. And when they eventually log in, they’ll likely be bombarded by messages and wall posts. You don’t want to add more stress to their lives.

Be forgiving. Some who are grieving need lots of support from family, friends, and—like it or not—the online world. Remember that not everyone grieves the same way, so don’t be alarmed if a Facebook friend posts for days and days with new photos and memories. Instead, continue to offer your support via encouraging phone calls, texts, and emails (after you’ve expressed sympathy in person or with a card, of course).

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