Four weeks ago we handed each of our two Pre-K children a smartphone to play with as payment for simply getting in the car to go to school.  Riding in silence for 10 minutes really hit me.  Did we really, metaphorically speaking, just give our kids a candy bar before dinner because they whined enough?  Buy that worthless toy at the checkout stand because they started to embarrass me?  Go to Chuck E. Cheese’s on a Friday night?  I dropped them off, got on my commuter train, realized that my battery on my phone had been drained to 12% at that point, actually turned it off, and thought.

When our first was born in 2006 I never fathomed a world where “here’s my phone” would be uttered almost as much as “good night, I love you.”  As new parents in the Era of iPhone, my wife and I struggle on a daily basis to hold fast and not give in to our kids’ everyday demand to play some Digital Device, namely the phone.

We are pioneers, a very small generation of parents where the birth of our first child converged with the birth of the iPhone.  You see, if your child was born in 1999, then likely you and she purchased your first smartphones together in 2009.  And if your child was born in 2010, then he listened to Angry Birds in utero.  We however, are on our own.

But is Apple really to blame? They manufacture, we consume.  And beyond indulgence, we as parents establish what the acceptable patterns of usage are. When it comes to phones, let’s be honest, aren’t they pretty fun little toys to have in your pocket or purse?  These mini-computers with connections now so strong you can stream Netflix as if you are plugged in at work on a T3 network.  C’mon, we all will justify to ourselves and friends that we just HAVE to be on the phone a lot, but I didn’t think Facebook, Instagram, Candy Crush, and TMZ.com were as essential to one’s daily diet as fruit and vegetables.  So when my child wants to mess around on the phone, should I be mad at Samsung or me?

SO, three weeks ago, my son got in the car with his sister to go to school and asked for the phone.  I said “no” and over cries and anger that spurned his sister to join in the demand, I calmly explained that this time is important to me.  And to you.  And to our relationship.  Even if it’s 10 minutes, I want to hear your voice and see your eyes.  I don’t think they heard much of my explanation that day.

I fly (enough) for work.  When’s the last time you’ve been to an airport and seen how adults consume media today?  I remember a time when you would have cordial exchanges with like passengers in the gate or even causal conversation with the person you happened to be sitting next to on a plane.  Now, both he and I can’t wait to fire up the Digital Device and indulge in our music, movie, or some mindless app game that I’ve already played 1,000 times.

SO, two weeks ago, my daughter took the reins and asked on behalf of her brother if he could have the phone since we were driving to school.  I said “no” and got angry stares, but no crying.  I calmly explained that this time is important to me.  And to you.  And to our relationship.  Even if it’s 10 minutes, I want to sing a song together that comes on the radio and not one we pre-selected from the phone.  The stares continued, probably because I barely even know how to work the radio today.

I ride a train to work.  And including me, 4 our of 5 people stare at their screen of choice.  It’s refreshing to see some older people thumb through a book, but over the four years I’ve commuted, those old fogies now have been given a Kindle from their family for Christmas and joined the masses.  And it’s eerily silent nowadays.  Suffice to say I don’t know a world before smartphones as it relates to mass transit and commuting but I presume some people chatted or rustled a newspaper.  Honestly, if there is any sort buzz today, I wouldn’t know because like most, I have my headphones on.

SO, one week ago, my son sheepishly asked on the walk to the car to go to school if he could have the phone.  I said “no.”  And saving them the explanation, I immediately started to talk about how cloudy it was.  And what the temperature read on our display.  And how I hope school will be fun today.  And we had a nice exchange of words and thoughts between father and children, if but for 10 minutes.

And when I’m not flying or riding, I’m driving.  And I am constantly battling myself to put the phone down.  I’ve gotten away from texting, so good job PSAs, but checking traffic, seeing what exit I’m supposed to get off at, changing songs, and taking a sneak peak at Fantasy Baseball are habits I have not broken.  It’s like having an endless supply of your favorite snack food constantly at your fingertips.

In retrospect and in coming clean on my own personal consumption habits, I’m glad that my child is not a silent observer of me on that plane, train, or automobile.  What example would I be sending? Don’t talk to people.  Don’t look at the world around you.  Don’t read a book.  And it’s okay to look at your phone real quick because you are only reading a text and not typing one.

Yesterday, getting in the car to go to school, my son said that he wasn’t going to ask me for my phone because, in the words of a 4 year old, this is when we “hangout for 10 minutes.” You’re right buddy, and I’m going to make the most of them.  “Can I have your phone later tonight?” he asked. “Yes” I replied, “I think that would be an appropriate time to unwind and have some fun.”

In the continued battle of Dad (and Mom) versus Digital Devices, I’ll take my 10 minute win every time.  And now, six years into the iPhone Revolution, I’m going to let me kids have my phone or tablet or computer or likely soon, some cool digital wearable product because they are here and they are now an integral and growing part of our world.  But, I made a promise to myself to lead by example and even when I’m not with my family, to turn off my phone every now and then and be present, unless I don’t like the person I’m sitting next to on the airplane.

Posted on 6/26/14

Matthew J Beshear is a Dad. And a husband, too. And along with his wife, they struggle each day to find the balance for their children between an ever evolving world of digital, devices, technology, and instant gratification and breathing fresh air, interacting with other humans, and having conversations with family when going out to dinner.

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