I confess. I am a card-carrying, bona fide undersharer.

Up until the point of writing this, I hadn’t yet stamped a few life events with Facebook-official status. In other words, I hadn’t posted personal photos (or details) of important things like tying the knot, honeymooning in New Zealand, and buying my first tree. A house happened to accompany this magnificent—post-worthy—live oak.

As usual, it has taken me so long to post photos of these events that other people have shared their pictures. In general, I like to soak up life experiences on my own—before getting the opinions of my 5,000 closest friends! Finally, last week, after the second person shared an image of my amazing tree on Facebook, I decided to bite the bullet. No, I didn’t post my own pictures (not just yet), but I did, at least share their photo on my page. Baby steps.

Since no one accompanied my husband and I to New Zealand, of course, debuting my honeymoon is left entirely up to me. In some ways, this is a lot of pressure. Unlike my wedding, which was highlighted online by numerous people, I can’t skate by in this way with my honeymoon—leaning on other people’s tags. My husband won’t be tagging me in any photos, because for one thing, he doesn’t even know what that means. Eric is a complete non-sharer—incognito online—which is actually something that attracted me to him in the first place. He is a very private person—like me. Striving for some privacy in our well-connected world is yet another reason why it takes me a while to share online and why I sometimes choose not to at all.

While my life, in many ways, is an open book—I have literally written three books about it—limiting what I post on Facebook gives me a sense of solitude for peace of mind as well as personal growth. As a highly sensitive person, life can be quite intense for me, and transitions (even great ones like buying a house and getting married) can be challenging. Before highlighting details online, I want to live in my home and my marriage, enjoy them, and grow. My job entails writing about life, so I eventually share many intimate details about my experiences. This usually happens in the form of a book first, in which I have spent years learning, formulating ideas, and crafting my thoughts.

Rather than posting a quick note on Facebook about a recent insight, I often choose to let that wisdom germinate for later dissemination. As an example, some new facts about my eating disorder recovery experience have recently been revealed in the tenth anniversary edition of my first book, Life Without Ed. Within the book’s afterword, I was able to write much more than I ever could have in a blog post, Facebook share, or 140-character Tweet. Some might say that my lack of providing details online is lying by omission. I do, after all, leave out certain facts about my life online—for a while. But I don’t look at it that way. With all that I share, I am authentic and real. I just don’t share everything as it happens in real-time.

Speaking of being real, I must confess that there are other reasons that I undershare, and these don’t have anything to do with privacy issues. One is perfectionism. Like I said above, being expected to post about life events can be a lot of pressure. Back to my oak tree: I have been planning to write the perfect post about the fact that it has a seventeen- foot circumference and is possibly 800 years old. Such a tree demands a stellar Facebook post to be shared at the precisely perfect time. (Maybe National Arbor Day?) And this is a classic case of perfectionism at its best—a complete standstill. Waiting to do something perfectly most often leads to a perpetual state of procrastination. In writing this blog, my new goal online is to be perfectly imperfect. Stayed tuned to learn all about the tree was so great it convinced me to buy an old home that is literally falling apart. (And that’s why I previously said that the house experience has led to personal growth!)

Something else that keeps me from sharing online is plain and simple online insecurity. What will they think of me? We sometimes hear negative things about oversharing. Randi says, in Dot Complicated, “Just because you can document your every waking moment doesn’t mean you should.” Is it possible that I don’t want to be labeled as an oversharer?

Um, well, yes. But even Randi admits that she sometimes overshares, particularly in the area of mommyhood, and she doesn’t apologize for it. Her posts about parenting have actually helped to build a community of moms who learn from one another. That said, maybe as I strive toward greater balance in my online life, there will be a bit of oversharing in my future. Here’s a place to apply that old saying, “What other people think of me is none of my business.”

Taking all of this into account, I finally resolved—over three months later—to share my personal wedding photos on Facebook. This was, in large part, a result of Randi’s encouragement about a month ago. She talks about how more interaction can lead to more connectedness, and she is right. Last night, I posted wedding photos with corresponding captions, and people responded with wonderful sentiments and even marriage wisdom. No one seemed to care that I didn’t take the time to sort through all of the wedding photos to find the perfect ones. Some people may think that I went overboard with too many pictures, but not everyone has to “like” me (or my wedding dress). At least, that’s what I am learning these days.

What about the honeymoon? These images, too, will be coming soon to a Facebook page near you.

What is your sharing philosophy? I would love to hear your lessons from online experience.

Posted on 2/7/2014

*Comment on this post to be entered into a drawing for a copy of Jenni’s book, Life Without Ed. Winner will be notified on 2/18/2014.*

Written by Jenni Schaefer

Jenni Schaefer is an internationally known speaker, accomplished singer/songwriter, and bestselling author. She has appeared on shows like Today and Dr. Phil, as well as publications ranging from Cosmopolitan to The New York Times. Her books include Life Without Ed; Goodbye Ed, Hello Me; and her latest with Harvard Medical School, Almost Anorexic: Is My (or My Loved One’s) Relationship with Food a Problem? Jenni lives in Austin, Texas, where she can often be found exploring the outdoors with her newlywed husband—and sometimes sharing about it on Facebook. For more information: JenniSchaefer.com.

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