I work in the nonprofit sector as a blogger, trainer, and speaker to help nonprofits leverage new technologies for mission driven work. I’m the author of two books, including the Networked Nonprofit that Randi Zuckerberg wrote the foreword to.  I’m also the parent of two wonderful kids adopted from Cambodia and now entering their teen years.

When my son was in 6^th grade and 12 years old, he asked me for a Facebook account.  I said no, not until you are old enough – age 14 based on the terms of service. He came back at me with, “But all the other kids at school have them and they’re not 14.”

I don’t let my kids use the laptop in their bedrooms . They have to do their homework or online  play in a central location.  One day, I peered over his shoulder and discovered he had a Facebook account! His response: “I was being left out of play dates because I’m the only kid who isn’t on Facebook!”  So, I let him keep his account under certain conditions.

First, he had to friend me. As he was doing this, he tried to put me on limited profile. I said no. He allowed it all the while muttering, “Please don’t post embarrassing posts on my wall like hugs and kisses or my baby pictures. The other kids will make fun of me.” I assured him I would not.

Second, I demanded the password.  He didn’t want to give it to me, but I reminded him who wrote the foreword to mommy’s book and that he didn’t give me his password, I’d make sure his account was shut down. I got the password.

The rule I outlined was this: I won’t read everything you post, but I will spot check you.  And, if I see anything that concerns me like such as bullying or in appropriate behavior,  we will need to discuss it.  I have also given him (and his sister who is now on Facebook too) guidelines about safety, privacy, good behavior, etc.

I was in Rwanda doing a session with women’s rights organizations and in the evening – the talk would turn to discussions about raising digital kids.   It is a common problem around the world – how do manage family relationships online and your kids. So, I told the story and how I spot check my kids.  Then I pulled up my son’s profile which on that particular day had a post of the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Issue. (I messaged my husband and asked him to talk to my son about the his posting…)

My work is online, so I’m online a lot and I have to watch it because I am modeling behavior. I took this photo a few months ago of my kids in a coffee shop in San Francisco one weekend and realized that I had set some new rules. As my son pointed out to me when I asked him to get off his phone, “Monkey See, Monkey Do.”

How do you make sure you model the behavior you want to see in your kids?

Posted on  11/19/13

Written by Beth Kanter

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